Reminiscing on the last year

Why do I enjoy being treated like crap?  I think it's because I'd rather have a "friend" treat me like crap and want to hang out, then not have anyone to hang out with.  It's why I go through these phases and want to get rid of people, just to roll back over and accept their behavior again.  I want to kinda start talking to someone again, just because I miss her.  But I know I don't want to go through this crap again.  Every time I've beaten myself up about it, and decide to take the high road, I think of the memories.  I think of all the good times we had, and wonder... do they outweigh the bad?  I'm pretty sure Matt is tired of me bitching, and then wanting to talk to her again.  He probably has no idea what stance to take.  Right now he's at the point, of why bother with that girl?  Why bother?  I'm lonely, that's why.  I want a girl friend to go shopping with, to get my nails done with.  I'm tired of doing these things alone.  Here's hoping for a better year with 2013...

Merry Christmas Eve!

Last year at this time I was really hoping to be pregnant.  It's hard to believe that this year, I am!  I have so much to be thankful for.  We also got me a new car this weekend!  It's the perfect "mom" vehicle.  I'm excited to be starting new traditions for our new family next year.  I know 2013 is going to bring us more blessings.  2012 has treated us fairly, but 2013 seems to have more positive things lined up.  I hope everyone enjoys their holiday, and here are pictures of my new "baby."

 

You know who you are

So, you tell me that you're always "tired."  You work 10 hour days and are exhausted, well.... so am I!  Too tired for a phone call, too tired to check in with an old friend; once a week, once a month.  Yet you're not too "tired" to go out drinking or to a basketball game.  I think that would require some energy?  I love how you don't look "tired" in all the pictures that get to pop up on my news feed.  I hate that you're being a hypocrite.  If you don't want to be friends with me any longer, just put on your big girl panties and be done with it.  I'll tell you what, I'm done with you.  You can say "Hi" to Matt all the time at work, and ask how I'm doing.  But I don't plan on contacting you anymore.  I bet I won't get a "ring" or "message" on Monday for my birthday either.  In the end, this works out for me because I don't have to worry about being bailed on last minute.  I'll love having friends who actually want to see me.  Goodbye. 

12-14-12

12-14-12: Another day that will be engraved in our minds forever.  My mind just keeps asking the question Why?  Why did this have to happen to an innocent school?  Why are children's minds going to be ruined forever by this?  Does this open up a floodgate for more massacres?  Why do people want to be involved in a massacre, do they not have friends to talk to?  I'm just at a loss for what to do or say.  When I read the news report last night, I bawled.  It hits me close to home because the town was close to my hometown.  I'm a substitute, and he killed one.  I work at Elementary schools, and wonder if I have to be nervous while I work.  I can't watch the news reports and see the death tolls rise.  It's too depressing, and I don't give a damn if I'm in the minority.  I would rather stay in my bubble then see the images on Television.  I've heard this will be the student's "9-11", yet it too will be another date we will always remember.  I just hope that their holidays are not ruined, and I pray for all of the families and towns-people that have to go through this. 

Making some changes

I'm at the point in this "friendship,"  that I'm about to cut someone out of my life.  She doesn't seem to make any effort to keep in contact.  And frankly, I'm tired of making all the effort.  I'm also tired of making plans and being bailed on.  Having someone constantly let you down is draining.  I'm ready for a change, and I don't see you being someone in my future.  So much for a great "auntie."   

Happy Thanksgiving!

We ate at the parentals' today.  It was delicious and I loved spending time with the family.  The pups haven't gotten along with Cassie yet, so we've kept them in the bedroom.  Maybe it'll work out the next time we're here.....  Anyway, sorry to post and run.  But Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Little Sis and I hung out!

We had a great time!  She was so excited to see me.  We went bowling, and I won.  (Only because of the bumpers).  We then went to Wendy's to get some frosty's.  They were yummy!  She was on sugar overload by the end of the night, but I think she was pretty satisfied with our outing.  It was so much fun!  <3

I met my little

I got to meet my Little Sister today from BBBS.  She is really sweet.  She's a bit standoff-ish, and shy.  But I'll hope to have her out of that, so she can be comfortable with me.  The other big is pretty cool.  My LS is the older one, and she is really smart.  She's at the top of her class, which is awesome!  I can't wait to start planning activities to do with her. 

Sitting at home thinking

My mind seems to be running away with itself this morning.  I don't know how many miscarriage stories I can read on my birth month board before becoming really unsure.  I want my ultrasound next week, so I can see my little jelly bean.  I don't want to worry my entire pregnancy.  I want to remember that I am pregnant, happy and healthy.  (Well attempting to be healthy).  I'm home sick today, and thankfully did not have to sub.  As an extra precaution I went ahead and called out of my after care job.  I need to give myself a full day of rest.  So here I am, putting a permanent mark on the couch for the day.  I have a Tebow snuggled up next to me.  I can tell winter is coming because he is carrying tons of static electricity.  

We got tons of trick or treaters last night.  It's not as much as I thought there would be, and we have tons of candy left over.  I will have to refrain from going to the candy bowl.  We tell Matt's mom tomorrow.  I've been wishing and praying for Friday and Saturday to hurry up.  And here we are, they're just about here.  I'm nervous about telling his mom.  I'm sure she'll be really happy.  I just don't want her to be giving lots of opinions from down south.  

I've also started wondering if I'm gaining too much weight.  I know that I am, but its hard being constantly hungry.  I can't take any appetite suppressants now.  (DUH).  But I didn't think it would be this hard.  I feel like I'm fighting with myself, because I don't know if it's being pregnant.  Or if it's the fat person in me.  Hell, the fat girl that's showing her true self right now.  Anyway, off that tangent.  I'm just ready to get rid of this stupid cold.  I really need a flu shot, but I can't get it until 2nd tri.  5-6 more weeks and I can hopefully get some relief from all the kiddie germs.  Until then, I'll continue to feel miserable.

Sticking out to me right now

Well I just heard the news today It seems my life is gonna change I closed my eyes, begin to pray Then tears of joy stream down my face
With arms wide open under the sunlight Welcome to this place I'll show you everything With arms wide open With arms wide open
Well I don't know if I'm ready To be the man I have to be I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side We stand in awe, we've created life
With arms wide open under the sunlight Welcome to this place I'll show you everything With arms wide open now everything has changed I'll show you love I'll show you everything
With arms wide open With arms wide open I'll show you everything, aw yeah With arms wide open, wide open
If I had just one wish only one demand I hope he's not like me, I hope he understands That he can take this life and hold it by the hand And he can greet the world with arms wide open
With arms wide open under the sunlight Welcome to this place I'll show you everything With arms wide open now everything has changed I'll show you love I'll show you everything
With arms wide open With arms wide open I'll show you everything, aw yeah With arms wide open Wide open

Countdown continues...

4 days until we can tell my parents.  It's so hard to keep it from them!  We talk every day (well Mom & I do), and I couldn't just stop talking to them for like 4 weeks, lol.  It is annoying when they ask What's new?  And I'm having to hold in the biggest secret of my life.  We get to tell Matt's mom in 3 days.  She will be told first since we can't tell her in person.  We get to Skype with her, and watch as she opens the gift.  Hopefully, it'll be a great reaction.  Matt's really nervous to tell my parents.  Kind of the "Hey, I boink your daughter, and she's pregnant."  (I tell him it's foolish, since we're married and have been trying).  I can't help how he feels though.  This week needs to hurry up already!

Halloween Carnival fun!

We had a blast today, and she was so much fun!  She had her first donut.  (She ate an entire regular sized donut).  Can we say worst babysitter of the year?  At least in her eyes, I'm awesome!  Here are some pics!

 

Getting ready for Halloween

We set up our Cat inflatable a few weekends ago.  I love this, and I love having the decorations out!

All afternoon I carved our pumpkins.  The first one came out "blah."  The second one came out pretty good!  I also put out our tiny pumpkins.  Tomorrow is the Halloween Carnival, and I'll be with Addy.  We've got Halloween plans, and I can't wait for either day!

First Ultrasound!

Today was the BIG DAY.  We got to see our little jelly bean.  He/she is measuring at 6 weeks 2 days.  Meaning our new due date is June 15th.  I had to go in and change our pictures, since I thought we were a week further along.  I plan on having another ultra sound to make sure that little jelly bean is measuring where they are supposed to.  We got to see the heart beat, which was an AMAZING feeling.  I can't believe something is really growing in there.  Squeeee!!!!!!

2 weeks

2 weeks is all that stands between us and sharing our news with our families.  We plan on telling them on the 3rd.  I just confirmed the date with Mom to make sure they had nothing else on their calendar.  I can't believe it's so close!  I can't believe we will be seeing little one in 37 hours.  Wow, that is not far at all.  I'm so excited! 

First appointment

It felt great being told I was pregnant.  Even though I had taken another digital yesterday, just to "make sure."  We went over the paper work, and they did all the blood work.  Because of my history of irregular cycles, they're requesting a dating ultra sound.  It's scheduled for next Monday.  Squeee!!!!!!!!  Hubby & I are so excited to be able to have our first look at Little Gator.  I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in 4 weeks as well.  The next days are going to be so long!!!!

Yesterday was awkward

Yesterday was the 50th Anniversary for Itron.  It was a great celebration and lots of fun.  But it was awkward for me being there.  I'm not really supposed to be on work grounds anymore, so that may be the major reason behind the awkwardness.  I got to see former coworkers which was great.  One of my former bosses barely acknowledged me, which kind of stung.  But I guess she never really liked me to begin with.  The other 2 bosses gave me hugs and said how much they missed me.  I'm glad it's over though, and I don't believe I'll be returning back to the grounds any time soon. 

Today I am pregnant.

Thank you Ginger for this motto.  I will hopefully use this my entire pregnancy.

Today I am pregnant, Today I am happy, Today I am healthy, and Today is all that matters.

I can't help but think....

There are too many good things going on in my life.  When's the ball going to drop?  I learned I am now a Big Sister.  I am working with children again.  And I am Pregnant.  Everything is going great, but how long is it going to last?  I'm used to things dropping out and changing.  I want to feel comfortable and secure, and just enjoy my new happy ride.

BFP!

I got my first ever BFP this morning!!!!!!  It looked so good.  =)  We are both really excited.  I had really bad cramps last night, and was worried about my period coming.  Each trip to the bathroom was dramatic, lol.  This morning I woke up and temped, and saw my temp went down.  I checked my chart, and it wasn't below my cover line.  *Sigh of relief.*  Matt was going to teach Sunday school, and then come back home, and we were going to have brunch.  I really wanted to wait to test, since he was leaving soon.  But, my bladder didn't want to cooperate, so I got up and tested.  I got a faint line on my internet cheapie, so I pulled out my digital and tested.  I saw the + sign and was ecstatic.   I peeked my head out and said give me a few minutes.  I pulled out the gator onesie and bib, and the dog shirts.  They say I'm going to be a big bro/sis.  I put the digital in between them.  I opened the door, and called for him.  I didn't want my face to give it away.  I told him he had a present, and to turn around.  He found the stuff and gave me a confused look.  (He knew about the dog shirts, since that is how we're announcing to the parents).  When he saw the digital, he turned around and asked "really??" He asked this like 5 times.  I replied with yes, and showed him the other positive test.  I then had to show him the gator onesie, since he didn't even notice it.  This is when I burst into tears and we hugged.  (They were big happy tears).  I then told him how we have to be cautiously optimistic, but we're pregnant!  We've decided to refer to our little guy/girl as "Little Gator."

This friend can suck it!

I hate when plans change.  Amber and I had made plans to go to Big Johns at 7 tonight.  I was only going to hang out a little while, then come home to spend time with Matt.  At 6:20, she texts me asking if we can make it later.  Like 9-10 ish.  Thad was suddenly able to come, and she wanted to cater around him.  Also Whitley and Casey were going to be able to come too.  I said I couldn't, and she didn't seem to care.  So I was a bit snarky back.  It was well deserved, and I hate that she changed plans and didn't seem to care. 

Negative

I tested this morning and got another negative.  I'm not sure what to be thinking.  It's also really hard to get the cup and test when Matt is in the room.  It's frustrating, but I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way.  Good timing, good signs and yet, negative tests.  I think my chart looks good, so I'm pretty confused.  I keep telling myself it's too early.  But yet, I feel depressed.  

I feel sick

I feel nauseous, and attempted to eat some dinner.  I want to feel better!  I don't know if it's early possible pregnancy symptoms.  (My mind playing tricks on me).  I'm also not sure if it's because of my day.  I went to high school today.  The day went by fine, no kids were hurt or thrown out.  LOL.  I had a smart ass, and a wannabe drop out.  (I should probably say soon-to-be drop out).  The college prep/ honors classes were fantastic.  It was the lower classes that sucked ass.  Props to the teacher for leaving some fantastic lesson plans and directions though.  I decided that I don't want to be in high school.  I just don't feel like myself, because of my lack of experience.  When I got to ASC today, I felt all warm and fuzzy when I saw my little guys.  I think I could handle 6th graders, maybe 7th.  8th, I'm not sure.  But I admit defeat with High school, and I feel like I failed.  Matt says I did a good job, but I don't feel that I did.  When I got home I unchecked every high school, so I wouldn't receive calls from them.  I hope more elementary schools call me next week.  =)

I went to 4th grade today

And it was AWESOME.  Everything went great, the kids and staff liked me.  I was punctual (even after my 8:07 phone call).  Anytime someone peeked their head in, the kids were quiet and on task.  It was great!

Great first day

I had a great first day back at ASC.  My boss was 100% okay with me subbing and letting her know my days.  It felt great to be back.  I walked in and she said "Welcome Home."  I was ecstatic to start the day.  My new coworkers are pretty cool, and there are a ton of kids.  I recognize about half of them, but do not remember names.  I am dead tired though.  I woke up at 4 am!  I wasn't feeling so great, and just stayed up.  My phone rang off the hook from 6-7:30 this morning.  It was good to feel needed, but I felt bad having to say no a bunch of times.  Thankfully it says I won't be available until Wednesday, so my phone won't be ringing much.   

Yay for smilies!

I got a smiley face last night!  I had taken my usual morning test and it was negative.  I left it out a little too long, and there was a darker line.  Because of this I decided to test again in the early afternoon.  There was a dark line, but I wasn't sure if it matched the control line.  After much decision I decided I was going to buy some digis.  Amber and I went to Walmart and got some.  We had been shopping for the evening, so it was on the way home.  I felt weird buying them with her there, but I figured she knows I've been testing every day and that I'm taking Clomid.  She made up a cute song about me possibly ovulating and mixing in baby making.  We got back to the house and she needed to charge her phone.  I went ahead and tested, and then hung out with her.  After a few minutes I went to check my test and saw the smiley!  I had been bracing myself for an empty circle.  I was so excited!  I told her, and showed her.  I also took a pic and posted it after texting it so some peeps.  I'm really hoping this works and that this is it!

My ex- company is DIRTY

Today was the official lay off day.  My coworkers went in and turned in their badges.  They got their severance packages and left.  About 6 hours later, 4 or 5 of them got a phone call to come back..... as temporary workers.  They'd be making less money with no benefits and would start next Thursday.   I get officially laid off Monday, and would not expect a phone call.  But this makes me really mad.  All summer I thought the company was treating us good, with giving 3 months notice.  Letting us have benefits for 3 months post lay off.  Then they do something dirty.  UGH. 

Ode to Itron

My work day has come and gone.  I was counting down the hours until 3:00.  I held it together pretty good, until Alice hugged me goodbye.  (This was before the big goodbye).  I started tearing up a little bit, and Amber called me out.  (Her eyes were just as red).  We all went to clean out our lockers and be briefed about the severance meeting.  We handed in our jackets, ground straps and all Itron belongings.  Then the boss went into a mini speech, saying how we had all grown and how much she loves us.  At the end she told the rest of the department to come say their goodbyes.  That's when the waterworks started.  Some of them knew where my next jobs were.  Others were encouraging and saying, maybe I can get back into teaching.  It lasted about 5 minutes and then we were off.  I cried off and on, on the ride home.  Mainly because I was going to miss everyone.  I will especially miss my 2nd shift peeps.  They became my 2nd family.  I saw them more then I saw Matt last year.  I plan on staying in touch with most of them- the ones I already hung out with.  The rest will be via facebook.  I was so ready to be done with the job.  I've been wanting out since July, but I had to wait it out.  I'm glad that I did, because I have 2 really great jobs lined up.  I am really excited to start my new focus.  I'm ready to move on.  Itron was a great stepping stone.  It made me humble, and it let me learn new things.  I would've never pictured myself working in a factory setting, but I will carry my experience for the rest of my life.  I worked with people from all walks of life.  It didn't matter that I had a college degree, and some of them only had a GED.  We were all equal, and only our dedication and motivation would set us apart.  I'm really glad that I met a lot of these people, because they are locals and will be here for a long time.  Most of the friends I've made in my first few years of living here, have been college students.... and they don't stick around long.  To sum up this long post, thank you Itron for helping me these last 2 years. 

Tomorrow is only a day away......

Everyone's final work day is tomorrow.  The rest of the workers being laid off have their benefits meeting on Friday.  I have mine on Monday, along with one other guy,  it's the make up meeting...  I feel good that I won't be the only one turning in my jacket tomorrow.  My feeling right now is surreal.  I can't believe the day is just about here.  It's insane.  I'm so happy I have 2 jobs lined up, and insurance.  I'm glad this phase of my life is coming to an end, and I'm really excited (a little nervous) to start my next phase!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Today was a pretty painless day at work.  It seemed to go by pretty quickly.  I was kind of hoping to confirm my day off on Friday with HR, but that didn't happen.  I really want to make sure this doesn't mess with my severance.  So when I left work I was alright, just kind of irritated.  When I got home I decided to research renewing my initial certificate.  I have to actually re-apply for it.  It sucks!  I spent a little over 2 hours printing off forms, and filling them out.  Making my fingerprinting appointment, making copies of test scores, etc.  Finally I was able to put everything in my mailbox to be mailed out.  *Whew*  I'm glad I didn't wait to next week to figure everything out.  On a different note, I got an interview invite for a job that I had applied for at the start of summer.  I think it's great that everything is falling into place. 

3 days

Three days is all I have left at Itron.  I went to my boss today to ask if I could use vacation for half a day on Friday, so I could attend my substitute training.  She approved and everything was going well.  Then at lunch I checked my e-mail and they had changed the time of the training from 8-10, to 8-12.  This would mean I would need 6 hours of vacation time.  I went to talk to her again and she told me to just take the whole day as vacation.  I asked if that would mess up my severance, and she said no.  I'm hoping she's right.  I didn't want to talk to human resources about it, so I'm going off of her word.  *Fingers crossed.*  I'm glad the end is coming sooner, and I'm happy to miss the sob day on Friday.

Fall cleaning?

Matt moved back into our bedroom last weekend.  We decided since whatever job I would find, would be on first shift we would try being a normal couple again.  So far it has worked, I think it's because I fall asleep before he does.  So I do not hear him snore anymore.  Since last weekend was more of the "lets move everything back."  This weekend was, "lets organize and clean everything."  I washed the guest bedroom sheets yesterday and made up the guest bed.  I put all of his blankets away in the closet and cleaned the bathroom.  That side of the house looks great, again.  It was weird when he was "living" in that corner of the house, I would condense his messiness to the room.  Now that we're back to sharing everything, my OCD has taken over.  His mess is in our closet.  Someday soon I hope to change that.  But at least he's willing to work with me, and I with him. 

Fall is coming!

I felt it in the air this morning.  More specifically- the temperature was cooler when I was walking the dogs.  I absolutely love fall.  I love the changing colors and the falling leaves.  I love getting to wear cute sweaters and boots!  I hate that my boots have to chill in the closet for months.  I love festivals that go on in our area.  This season reminds me why I love South Carolina.  <3  Fall  <3 

Feeling guilty

I decided to skip church this morning.  The last 2 weeks I was really bored in the hour between breakfast and service.  Since I used to teach Sunday school I Was able to stay occupied.  Last night I wasn't feeling the hour of boredom.  I know I could just go to service, but I wish I was still involved.  I wanted to take a year off from being so busy, but I really miss it.  I didn't want to commit to much, because I didn't know if I'd be working retail on the weekends.  I hope I'm able to sort this (and these feelings) out soon. 

Clomid- infertility

I am really hoping this dose works out this cycle.  Everything is good with Matt, and everything is good with me.  Even if we get a neg. test, I just want to ovulate.  It is so frustrating to have to deal with my body, and have an unexplained diagnosis.  I wish I could just be told what the problem is, and we can fix it.  This pill is making me crazy though.  I hate being emotional and crazy.  I hate the hot flashes.  Thankfully, I'm not having any today.  I hope the worst is over!  I really just want this to work.

Saturdays

I have started loving the calmness of cleaning my house on the weekends.  I love getting up, going to work and then looking around and seeing everything tidy.  I also am loving my quiet time while Matt is out watching his game.  I need to come up with another hobby to fill my time.  I like being by myself,  but I do need to find something to do.  I've done 4 loads of laundry today, and am ready to go crazy!  I've been reading a lot as well, so I should probably get into my new book. 

The layoff is coming!

I've been back on first shift this week.  T-minus 7 work days until our lay off.   I have a part time job lined up, and am excited to get to work with kids again.  BIG update- we decided to start Clomid. The doctor has ruled me as unexplained annovulatory.  I had a clear HSG, and Matt is alright.  So we get to try Clomid.  It had been pushed off until I got a job, but we worked out the pros of the decision.  It's so exciting!!!!!!!  I'm starting off at 50 mg.  I hope good stuff starts happening to us soon.   

Long time no update

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about my fertility.  I'm getting laid off in September, possibly sooner if they keep working us to the bone!  I'm going to see my little bro graduate from UCF in August.  I'm going to see my bestie!  I'm going to see my high school friend get married at the end of the year.  I'm hoping I get a job sooner rather than later.  I hope I don't have to work on the 4th.  I want to get pregnant. 

Stereotypes

Does anyone get sick of stereotypes? I am so tired of people judging me because I don't speak spanish. Blame adoption! And I am sick of my good girl image. Why can't I have piercings and a tattoo???? I am allowed to. So thanks for your permission!

4 years ago

Dear scum bags,
Thank you for stealing my wallet 4 years ago and putting the fear of God into me whenever I make purchases. I wonder every day if you will use my S.S number and screw me over anymore. I hope you are paying for what you did to me.
Sincerely,
The girl who would like to enjoy her life.

Happy Leap Day!

Happy Leap Day! I love this day, since it only comes every 4 years. But unfortunately since I'm not in teaching, I won't be doing anything fun. Enjoy the day!

Depressed

I've been in a depression since Thursday. It got worse over the weekend, and seems to not want to go away. I've been eating a lot, and horrible foods at that. I just wish that this would go away. And side note- I will not be going down to FL anymore.

Letters to God

My Lenten discipline this year is to blog daily prayers or (letters to God.) I'm pretty excited about it, and have been pimping it out since I came up with the idea yesterday. Let's hope that I stay strong and am able to be consistent!

I'm coming home!

Just booked my trip to O-town in May. Very exciting! I'm planning on going for Luke's graduation. I'll be gone Thursday- Sunday. I can't wait!

Happy New Year!

Happy 2012 all! We rung in the new year uneventfully. Here are some of my resolutions/goals for the year:
1. Get pregnant and start our family.
2. Lose some weight and get into a healthy lifestyle.
3. Bid on a new possible job.
4. Take more chances since I usually play it safe.

Here's hoping I keep at least one.....