One week ago I totaled my car. I just found out two days ago that it was totaled, but that's beside the point. I need to write this to get all of the feelings and details off of my chest.
We were planning on going to Greenville to the Haywood Mall to spend my gift cards. We had spent all morning and into the afternoon cleaning and organizing the house. By 3:00 we were finally getting a move on things to head out. We went to daycare and picked up the little Talia. We needed to go to the Post Office to mail off Matt's parents gifts before heading to Greenville. We stopped in Sandy Springs and I went into the Post Office with my address book. Matt and N stayed in the car. Unfortunately because of the time of day the sun was bothering N, and she kept crying. Matt found the root of the problem and put his sweatshirt over the back of the seat to prevent the sun from hitting her face. I came out with my receipt and was ready to go. I did not like the sweatshirt blocking her mirror, so I requested he take it down. He obliged, and she started crying. We hit the road to get moving so that she would fall asleep. On 76, her mirror fell down. I had a bad feeling and wanted to pull over to that we could put the mirror back up and hit the interstate. We passed Denver Road, and I decided I would pull off by the gas station and fix it. Matt kept insisting we leave it alone. I had been looking for a road/ driveway to pull off on the right side but hadn't seen it. When I was in the turning lane at Interstate Boulevard, I glanced over and saw the driveway that I had been looking for. Worst decision ever. I was already in the middle of the intersection with my left turn signal on, and decided to pull off to the right. I saw the light was turning red, so I figured I was good. I did not see the truck.
Matt did just as the guy crashed into us. Because of the angle of me pulling across the lanes, he ended up T-boning us. I was not sure what was happening. Matt was screaming "Oh My God" and Natalia was crying. As we're being pushed I see that we are about to hit a road sign, so I veer into the bushes. As he is screaming and Natalia is crying I am thinking Oh shit, what did I do. We finally stop, as we hit the bushes. The airbags have gone off at some point, and the Rav 4 had side airbags. Matt kicks open the door, and someone opens my door and helps me out. I am not able to see clearly, because my glasses flew off during impact. We had jumped out because the car was smoking. I run to the passenger door and try to open it, Matt can't open the other side. So I jump back into the car and jump into the back to get Natalia out. She is still screaming/ crying and is so scared. I take her out and hand her to someone as I climb out of the car. Once I am out of the car I take her back into my arms and hold her as I sob. I keep asking if she is okay, since I can't see if she has any visible injuries. At some point I ask Matt if he is okay. Matt has gone back into my car numerous times to look for my glasses. While he is in there he gets my purse, my car information, belongings and the diaper bag. A cop shows up, but is not the one who cites me. She asks what happened and I see that the guy in the truck is okay. At some point I finally get my glasses back. EMS arrives on the scene and starts checking us out. I say I'm fine and am more concerned with the little one. The second I hand her to him she screams. (Good sign). They say that the car seat has to retire, since it has been in a car accident. We deny the opportunity to go to the hospital. EMS checks Matt out and he is okay. Finally I start realizing what is happening and the repercussions of my actions. As we're waiting for the sheriff to come the cop tells me I can sit in her car. I take Natalia and we sit in the warm car. As I sit there I feed her and call/ text Trisha and Jen to see if someone can come pick us up. I didn't want Natalia to not be in a car seat. I call Dad and let him know what had just happened. I call Ques back and let him know I can't tutor. As I sit there I watch Matt and his expressions. I can see how mad and disappointed he is in me. I look at Natalia and see the bruise that the air bag put on her. I sob. And I think how I should be sitting in the back of the car, not the front. Because I am a criminal. Matt takes pictures of my car at some point and shows the damage. I am sad because all of the damage is towards the front. The guy hit his door. Natalia's door was fine, so she suffered no injuries besides the bruise.
After a long period the Sheriff finally arrives. I hand N to Matt and get ready to tell the story. He talks to me first and I take fault for the accident. I explain how I changed lanes and hang my head. He takes my license and information, and we wait. Trisha shows up with her van, and Matt and Natalia get into the warmth. I stand outside with the cop and the guy and wait for the sheriff to finish up. It seems to take a real long time, but I figure it's okay. I don't deserve to be warm. After a long time he comes out and gives us our papers. I find out I will be getting 2 points on my license and an $80 fine. I feel it should be much more. I walk over to the van, and we get ready to go. Trisha makes the decision to drive down to QT to turn around. Fine with me. We finally get home and we get the belongings inside. After Trisha leaves it sets in what has happened. I call Mom and tell her the details. I then call state farm. After I report it, I just sob and hug Natalia. Matt and I go to bed shortly after- stressed, injured and scared.
As I sit here a week later I reflect and try to ease my guilt on what happened. I realized that I need to really take in account how precious life is, and how easily it can be taken away. I realize that I need to make sure I really take the time to look and check all possible blind spots. I need to let go of my OCD tendencies and if something falls, I need to let it be. My mom says I need to slow down and smell the roses- take this as my wake up call. Too bad I wasn't speeding in my accident. (The guy was- I know he wanted to make the light). I need to appreciate the time spent with Matt and Natalia. Accidents happen, that's why they call them accidents. But unfortunately nobody can take away my guilt. I caused us to get into it, and I need to accept it and move on. Hopefully I can pass by the scene soon without averting my eyes and getting upset. And I know now to make safe decisions whether I'm by myself or with my family. <3 Thank you Debbie for encouraging me to write this and get it out.
