Gwendolyn's Story

3 months late is better than never!  Gwen's birth was a scheduled c-section.  Due to my delivery with Natalia, the doctors saw this as the best option.  It was scheduled for 39 weeks and 1 day.  We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 Am on June 6th.  I actually started having contractions on our way to the hospital.  They got timeable and stronger while we were doing the c-section prep.  I got wheeled back after 8:30. Matt got suited up and I got my spinal.  It didn't hurt as much as I expected!  Maybe because I had already had an epidural 3 years ago.  I was nice and happy during surgery and very talkative.  Probably to calm my nerves.  Baby Gwen was born at 9:18 am.  I started crying when I heard her cry.  I was so excited to meet my newest baby girl.  This delivery went much smoother, as did recovery.  I am very thankful to have a really good birth experience.  =)

January 3rd

One week ago I totaled my car.  I just found out two days ago that it was totaled, but that's beside the point.  I need to write this to get all of the feelings and details off of my chest.

We were planning on going to Greenville to the Haywood Mall to spend my gift cards.  We had spent all morning and into the afternoon cleaning and organizing the house.  By 3:00 we were finally getting a move on things to head out.  We went to daycare and picked up the little Talia.  We needed to go to the Post Office to mail off Matt's parents gifts before heading to Greenville.  We stopped in Sandy Springs and I went into the Post Office with my address book.  Matt and N stayed in the car.  Unfortunately because of the time of day the sun was bothering N, and she kept crying.  Matt found the root of the problem and put his sweatshirt over the back of the seat to prevent the sun from hitting her face.  I came out with my receipt and was ready to go.  I did not like the sweatshirt blocking her mirror, so I requested he take it down.  He obliged, and she started crying.  We hit the road to get moving so that she would fall asleep.  On 76, her mirror fell down.  I had a bad feeling and wanted to pull over to that we could put the mirror back up and hit the interstate.  We passed Denver Road, and I decided I would pull off by the gas station and fix it.  Matt kept insisting we leave it alone.  I had been looking for a road/ driveway to pull off on the right side but hadn't seen it.  When I was in the turning lane at Interstate Boulevard, I glanced over and saw the driveway that I had been looking for.  Worst decision ever.  I was already in the middle of the intersection with my left turn signal on, and decided to pull off to the right.  I saw the light was turning red, so I figured I was good.  I did not see the truck.

Matt did just as the guy crashed into us.  Because of the angle of me pulling across the lanes, he ended up T-boning us.  I was not sure what was happening.  Matt was screaming "Oh My God" and Natalia was crying.  As we're being pushed I see that we are about to hit a road sign, so I veer into the bushes.  As he is screaming and Natalia is crying I am thinking Oh shit, what did I do.  We finally stop, as we hit the bushes.  The airbags have gone off at some point, and the Rav 4 had side airbags.  Matt kicks open the door, and someone opens my door and helps me out.  I am not able to see clearly, because my glasses flew off during impact.  We had jumped out because the car was smoking.  I run to the passenger door and try to open it, Matt can't open the other side.  So I jump back into the car and jump into the back to get Natalia out.  She is still screaming/ crying and is so scared.  I take her out and hand her to someone as I climb out of the car.  Once I am out of the car I take her back into my arms and hold her as I sob.  I keep asking if she is okay, since I can't see if she has any visible injuries.  At some point I ask Matt if he is okay.  Matt has gone back into my car numerous times to look for my glasses.  While he is in there he gets my purse, my car information, belongings and the diaper bag.  A cop shows up, but is not the one who cites me.  She asks what happened and I see that the guy in the truck is okay.  At some point I finally get my glasses back.  EMS arrives on the scene and starts checking us out.  I say I'm fine and am more concerned with the little one.  The second I hand her to him she screams.  (Good sign).  They say that the car seat has to retire, since it has been in a car accident.  We deny the opportunity to go to the hospital.  EMS checks Matt out and he is okay.  Finally I start realizing what is happening and the repercussions of my actions.  As we're waiting for the sheriff to come the cop tells me I can sit in her car.  I take Natalia and we sit in the warm car.  As I sit there I feed her and call/ text Trisha and Jen to see if someone can come pick us up.  I didn't want Natalia to not be in a car seat.  I call Dad and let him know what had just happened.  I call Ques back and let him know I can't tutor.  As I sit there I watch Matt and his expressions.  I can see how mad and disappointed he is in me.  I look at Natalia and see the bruise that the air bag put on her.  I sob.  And I think how I should be sitting in the back of the car, not the front.  Because I am a criminal.  Matt takes pictures of my car at some point and shows the damage.  I am sad because all of the damage is towards the front.  The guy hit his door.  Natalia's door was fine, so she suffered no injuries besides the bruise. 

After a long period the Sheriff finally arrives.  I hand N to Matt and get ready to tell the story.  He talks to me first and I take fault for the accident.  I explain how I changed lanes and hang my head.  He takes my license and information, and we wait.  Trisha shows up with her van, and Matt and Natalia get into the warmth.  I stand outside with the cop and the guy and wait for the sheriff to finish up.  It seems to take a real long time, but I figure it's okay.  I don't deserve to be warm.  After a long time he comes out and gives us our papers.  I find out I will be getting 2 points on my license and an $80 fine.  I feel it should be much more.  I walk over to the van, and we get ready to go.  Trisha makes the decision to drive down to QT to turn around.  Fine with me.  We finally get home and we get the belongings inside.  After Trisha leaves it sets in what has happened.  I call Mom and tell her the details.  I then call state farm.  After I report it, I just sob and hug Natalia.  Matt and I go to bed shortly after- stressed, injured and scared.

As I sit here a week later I reflect and try to ease my guilt on what happened.  I realized that I need to really take in account how precious life is, and how easily it can be taken away.  I realize that I need to make sure I really take the time to look and check all possible blind spots.  I need to let go of my OCD tendencies and if something falls, I need to let it be.  My mom says I need to slow down and smell the roses- take this as my wake up call.  Too bad I wasn't speeding in my accident.  (The guy was- I know he wanted to make the light).  I need to appreciate the time spent with Matt and Natalia.  Accidents happen, that's why they call them accidents.  But unfortunately nobody can take away my guilt.  I caused us to get into it, and I need to accept it and move on.  Hopefully I can pass by the scene soon without averting my eyes and getting upset.  And I know now to make safe decisions whether I'm by myself or with my family. <3  Thank you Debbie for encouraging me to write this and get it out. 

2013 Year in review

January- 
We found out that little gator was a girl!  And we nicknamed her Princess Peach.

February- 
We were busy getting ready for baby!

March-
We went to Kanuga.  

April-
We hosted Easter lunch at the house and had family come.

May-
My first shower for baby N!

June-
The littlest one was born on June 13th.  Welcome Natalia Grace!

July-
Matt's mom came to visit and we celebrated our first holiday with the little one!  Matt and I also celebrated 5 years of marriage and little Tebow turned 5.

August-
Natalia started daycare and I went back to work.

September-
I started working at Tri County Tech to get more hours.

October-
We celebrated Natalia's first Halloween!

November-
Natalia Grace was baptized on the 3rd.  On November 6th we lost our beloved Bella.  We had our first Thanksgiving together.  <3

December- 
I celebrated my 27th Birthday and we celebrated Natalia's first Christmas.  Natalia also met Santa for the first time.

Adoption

"When you are growing up and you have an issue with your parents its easy to wonder or think that your biological parents might "understand" you better, its easy to feel disconnected. I know better now as an adult having seen my all the issues my friends have with their biological parents but its different at the time when you are young and looking for understanding of yourself."

This quote was in one of the comments on an adoption article I had been reading.  The article was talking about how black babies cost less than mixed or white babies.  I didn't like that, but I guess it's true.  If Matt and I ever adopted, I would not care what color skin our child had.  As for the quote above- I never felt like that.  The woman who wrote this is white and had white adoptive parents. I never saw myself different from my parents.  Even with my darker skin.  Dad from as young as I remember would put his arm next to me and say how we were alike.  I always loved that, and I saw Mom and Luke had similar coloring.  I always felt like I got my sensitivity from my mom, and my punctuality from my dad.  I didn't feel disconnected.  I definitely never thought my biological parents might understand me better.  I don't remember ever thinking about them.  The only time I thought of my bio mom was during pregnancy, and wondering if she had the same feelings I did.  I guess everyone has a different upbringing, I just wonder if it's usual for adopted kids to feel the way that original poster felt...

Natalia's story

Off and on the morning of June 13th I was up with some cramping, but nothing horrendous.  And definitely nothing to make me think I was in labor.  I had a "gush of liquid" at 7 am, and then had to decide if this was it, and if I needed to call the doc.  After showering and putting on a pad, I called the doctor at 8:30, and they told me to be there ASAP.  I arrived by 8:45 and was brought back and checked.  I was still dilated 1 cm.  They took a sample to see if I was indeed leaking my fluid.  The PH test showed it was my amniotic fluid.  The growth test said it was negative.  They then did an ultrasound to check the level.  It had been at an 8 on Tuesday, and was now at a 4.  I was sent to the hospital.  9:30 is when I left the office, and arrived home
15 minutes later.  We were on the road by 10. We arrived by 10:45 and got checked in.  11:15 I was hooked up to the IV since I was Group B positive.  They checked to see if I had made progress and I was still at a 1. Sometime between that first check and my next one I started getting a bad case of the shakes.  I was so nervous and anxious of the unknown.  Around 2, I was checked again and was dilated to 6 cm.  I was having some really bad contractions by then so I went ahead and got the Epi.  They also started me on Pitocin as that point. Shortly before 4:00 I was checked, and I was up to 9 cm already.  I was feeling pretty good, and not shaking as bad.  6:00 I got checked again and was up to 10 cm.  Unfortunately there was still a thin layer around her head, so they told me I needed to labor baby down.  I upped the dose of the epi, and they gave me some more pain meds to help with the labor.  As a result of the drugs that I was given, I got a bad case of having to scratch my chest.  7:45 was go time and the contractions were coming hard and fast.  After 35 minutes of intense pushing, Natalia Grace was born. She was 9 pounds 0 ounces, and 21 inches long.  I got skin to skin right away, and Matt cut the umbilical cord.  I delivered the placenta a few minutes later.  Natalia had been crowning the entire time I was pushing, but she could not get out.  I don't know if it was the size of my cervix, or her size.  But they kept dousing me with liquid and trying to pull her out.  Because of this I suffered a 4th degree tear.  The doctor was down there for a long time stitching me up.  I also lost a lot of blood and was really out of it for the rest of the night.  I am happy she is here, but the morning after I felt like I had missed so much.  Matt and the nurse were the ones checking on her and feeding/changing her.  All they had me do was sleep, and they changed my ice packs.  Especially because I kept drifting in and out. Completely random- I passed out on the toilet and they had to wake me up with ammonia.  I remember that one moment because I kept telling them all I wanted to do was sleep.  All in all, I'm glad I was able to have a vaginal birth.  The doctor said I would not be able to have one with our next one, because of this labor. 

Frustrated

I want this baby out, and I'm very frustrated.  I can't help but be emotional, since I am pregnant.  But it's the type-a personality in me that's making me flip out.  I know she has to come on her own time, and she's proving it.  I just wish she could send me a mental sign or something before the physical signs.  ERGH!

Reflecting

Looking back on the last year, makes me realize how many things have changed.  Last year at this time I was admitting to myself that it might not be as easy as I thought to get pregnant.  That I might have to be one to start "charting."  I was still working at Itron and didn't plan on leaving any time soon.  I was also out drinking a lot.  I was having fun and enjoying my friends.  This year I'm almost 6 months pregnant.  We're working on our house and fixing it for baby.  I'm subbing and working at ASC.  I am making new friends and staying busy with work and baby stuff.  I can't wait to see where I'm at next year with a 8 month old.  =)

The end of an era

I took out my belly button ring yesterday.  Actually a woman at the piercing salon did, but regardless it's out.  It had been in for 6.5 years, and was a part of me.  Now I feel naked without it, but it's no longer poking me.  That is my #1 benefit.  The hole is discolored, and looks really weird.  Good news was I had taken really good care of it, so there was no trace of infection.  Yea!  I just felt like documenting the weekend of the event, and what my feelings were.  =)

Baby dream

I had my first baby dream last night. But it wasn't about the one I am currently carrying. We were having twins and going in to find out the sex of them. And we already had a girl.  We were also having a boy and girl.  We will see if the dream was right!

I want a best friend

I want someone who's close to my area.  I love my best friend with all my heart, but it would be nice to have a close friend here.  I hate being blown off and am done with certain people.  I just want that close-ness.  And I definitely miss having someone to do girl talk with.  Grab the occasional lunch, etc.  I know I'm having a baby, and that's going to change things.  I'm not going to have enough time for anyone.  I just want someone!  I'm tired of going crazy in my head, and I'm sinking into a depression about it.  Matt doesn't understand, and I'm pretty sure he blames the hormones.  I don't think it's the hormones, and I don't want to use it as a cop out.  I just wish something would happen, or I would meet someone.  I hope this is the year I make a close friend.

Welcome 2013

Hello 2013!  I'm so excited for this new year.  This will be a year of firsts, especially once June rolls around.  We're so stinking excited to meet our little one, and can't wait to find out if jelly bean is a boy or girl.  16 days!  I'm aiming to be more positive this year and full of love.  I can't wait to watch friendships grow and embrace everyone.  I'm so excited to become a mother and watch Matt become a father.  Plus I really want to see what little one looks like, that will probably be the most exciting part.  *Cheers* to a brand new year, and new beginnings!  <3

Reminiscing on the last year

Why do I enjoy being treated like crap?  I think it's because I'd rather have a "friend" treat me like crap and want to hang out, then not have anyone to hang out with.  It's why I go through these phases and want to get rid of people, just to roll back over and accept their behavior again.  I want to kinda start talking to someone again, just because I miss her.  But I know I don't want to go through this crap again.  Every time I've beaten myself up about it, and decide to take the high road, I think of the memories.  I think of all the good times we had, and wonder... do they outweigh the bad?  I'm pretty sure Matt is tired of me bitching, and then wanting to talk to her again.  He probably has no idea what stance to take.  Right now he's at the point, of why bother with that girl?  Why bother?  I'm lonely, that's why.  I want a girl friend to go shopping with, to get my nails done with.  I'm tired of doing these things alone.  Here's hoping for a better year with 2013...

Merry Christmas Eve!

Last year at this time I was really hoping to be pregnant.  It's hard to believe that this year, I am!  I have so much to be thankful for.  We also got me a new car this weekend!  It's the perfect "mom" vehicle.  I'm excited to be starting new traditions for our new family next year.  I know 2013 is going to bring us more blessings.  2012 has treated us fairly, but 2013 seems to have more positive things lined up.  I hope everyone enjoys their holiday, and here are pictures of my new "baby."

 

You know who you are

So, you tell me that you're always "tired."  You work 10 hour days and are exhausted, well.... so am I!  Too tired for a phone call, too tired to check in with an old friend; once a week, once a month.  Yet you're not too "tired" to go out drinking or to a basketball game.  I think that would require some energy?  I love how you don't look "tired" in all the pictures that get to pop up on my news feed.  I hate that you're being a hypocrite.  If you don't want to be friends with me any longer, just put on your big girl panties and be done with it.  I'll tell you what, I'm done with you.  You can say "Hi" to Matt all the time at work, and ask how I'm doing.  But I don't plan on contacting you anymore.  I bet I won't get a "ring" or "message" on Monday for my birthday either.  In the end, this works out for me because I don't have to worry about being bailed on last minute.  I'll love having friends who actually want to see me.  Goodbye. 

12-14-12

12-14-12: Another day that will be engraved in our minds forever.  My mind just keeps asking the question Why?  Why did this have to happen to an innocent school?  Why are children's minds going to be ruined forever by this?  Does this open up a floodgate for more massacres?  Why do people want to be involved in a massacre, do they not have friends to talk to?  I'm just at a loss for what to do or say.  When I read the news report last night, I bawled.  It hits me close to home because the town was close to my hometown.  I'm a substitute, and he killed one.  I work at Elementary schools, and wonder if I have to be nervous while I work.  I can't watch the news reports and see the death tolls rise.  It's too depressing, and I don't give a damn if I'm in the minority.  I would rather stay in my bubble then see the images on Television.  I've heard this will be the student's "9-11", yet it too will be another date we will always remember.  I just hope that their holidays are not ruined, and I pray for all of the families and towns-people that have to go through this. 

Making some changes

I'm at the point in this "friendship,"  that I'm about to cut someone out of my life.  She doesn't seem to make any effort to keep in contact.  And frankly, I'm tired of making all the effort.  I'm also tired of making plans and being bailed on.  Having someone constantly let you down is draining.  I'm ready for a change, and I don't see you being someone in my future.  So much for a great "auntie."   

Happy Thanksgiving!

We ate at the parentals' today.  It was delicious and I loved spending time with the family.  The pups haven't gotten along with Cassie yet, so we've kept them in the bedroom.  Maybe it'll work out the next time we're here.....  Anyway, sorry to post and run.  But Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Little Sis and I hung out!

We had a great time!  She was so excited to see me.  We went bowling, and I won.  (Only because of the bumpers).  We then went to Wendy's to get some frosty's.  They were yummy!  She was on sugar overload by the end of the night, but I think she was pretty satisfied with our outing.  It was so much fun!  <3

I met my little

I got to meet my Little Sister today from BBBS.  She is really sweet.  She's a bit standoff-ish, and shy.  But I'll hope to have her out of that, so she can be comfortable with me.  The other big is pretty cool.  My LS is the older one, and she is really smart.  She's at the top of her class, which is awesome!  I can't wait to start planning activities to do with her. 

Sitting at home thinking

My mind seems to be running away with itself this morning.  I don't know how many miscarriage stories I can read on my birth month board before becoming really unsure.  I want my ultrasound next week, so I can see my little jelly bean.  I don't want to worry my entire pregnancy.  I want to remember that I am pregnant, happy and healthy.  (Well attempting to be healthy).  I'm home sick today, and thankfully did not have to sub.  As an extra precaution I went ahead and called out of my after care job.  I need to give myself a full day of rest.  So here I am, putting a permanent mark on the couch for the day.  I have a Tebow snuggled up next to me.  I can tell winter is coming because he is carrying tons of static electricity.  

We got tons of trick or treaters last night.  It's not as much as I thought there would be, and we have tons of candy left over.  I will have to refrain from going to the candy bowl.  We tell Matt's mom tomorrow.  I've been wishing and praying for Friday and Saturday to hurry up.  And here we are, they're just about here.  I'm nervous about telling his mom.  I'm sure she'll be really happy.  I just don't want her to be giving lots of opinions from down south.  

I've also started wondering if I'm gaining too much weight.  I know that I am, but its hard being constantly hungry.  I can't take any appetite suppressants now.  (DUH).  But I didn't think it would be this hard.  I feel like I'm fighting with myself, because I don't know if it's being pregnant.  Or if it's the fat person in me.  Hell, the fat girl that's showing her true self right now.  Anyway, off that tangent.  I'm just ready to get rid of this stupid cold.  I really need a flu shot, but I can't get it until 2nd tri.  5-6 more weeks and I can hopefully get some relief from all the kiddie germs.  Until then, I'll continue to feel miserable.